slow down

I think that what's happening is that I'm slowing down. For a while I was just absorbing too much, too fast, deconstructing faster than I could digest. I think that I have some ideas about God and the universe and I'm just letting them affect me as I live my life.... does that make sense? Having grown up in the works based atmosphere that I did, it's hard for me to accept "being" as an appropriate activity, or "experiencing" as an equivalent to working things through and sorting things out. But if you think about it, what better way is there to learn about such things than by simply living and observing that life?

One thing that I've really come to see the value in is placing myself in a mindset that seeks to find a lesson in every experience. I've always found myself doing this to a certain degree but I think that in the next little while I'd like to make a conscious effort to see the less obvious lessons, to let them sink in, to pay attention to the little details. Life is incredibly detailed, and yet I remember precious little of it. This seems a tragedy.

Puja is at the vet tonight, having a little sleepover after her "fixing." The house seems so quiet. Abu is bored. I can't wait to pick her up, first thing in the morning. the poor baby. The next two weeks may be hairy..... besides attempting to keep calm an unexercised puppy with stitches, I will be doing some work on a friends house while doing an uncharacteristic amount of socializing. Hopefully next weekend I can get in some serious Final Fantasy hours.

The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I can go get my baby. and with that I retire.

snow

It's been snowing here for about three days now. Every time I let the dogs in from the back yard, their black fur is covered in white snow. Something about it makes me giggle like a little girl.... it's irrepressible. I don't know why. I'm not prone to giggling, but their frosted little lashes, fluffy white coats.... It never gets old. I laugh every time.

It used to seem like Abu was the canine incarnation of myself, but lately I'm realizing that it was only a part of myself. With Puja, the incarnation is complete. I live with myself, but I don't talk back, I chew shit up, I bark at the neighbor's cat. Part of me sleeps with myself but the other part is ever vigilant at the front door, never completely asleep. Part of me is serious and withdrawn, hates change but loves new places, and part of me is happy and outgoing, kind of whiny and sometimes mouthy. Between my two dogs, I don't technically need to exist. I'm like the interpreter, saying, "this is what we'd be like if we were a single human."

When I first took Puja home, and for about a month afterward, I wondered if I had made the right decision in getting a second dog, given my single parent status and tight budget. Abu wasn't adjusting very quickly, which is typical of Abu, and Puja wasn't even a vague resemblence of what I'd imagined. But these days I can't imagine our family without little "jah"

I've been taking it easy at work lately. They don't pay me enough to stretch myself that thin. If they have a problem with that, they can demote me to the bandsaw. I would love the holiday.

I have been off somewhere.... inside my head.... off on a little trip. Sometimes when I need a break but can't get one, I feel myself go away for a little while, to an imaginary place where everything I need and want is at my fingertips. I got some bad news early this week. I hadn't realized just how deep my hope went, but I'm not ready yet to give up on a miracle. I've gone away to a place where miracles are possible.

So I've had nothing useful to say. I'm sorry. My coping mechanism is up and running and there's nothing I can do about it, at least not for now.

new project

I've been mulling it over for a while, and this weekend I started working a new writing project. It's a completely new idea for me, very unstructured and somewhat therapeutic. I've committed to not rushing or forcing it, and I've found that lately I really want to work on it. I keep opening the file and wanting to do something with it, but I've told myself to wait. Instead of writing drivel just for the sake of writing it, I want to let the topics crystallize in my mind, and then jot them down as quickly as possible. Forcing myself to wait is good reverse psychology for me, because I have always felt internal pressure to make myself write. I'm finding that my previous aversion to writing has turned into eagerness.

Also, a fair bit of self examination has exposed what didn't really surprise me, and probably doesn't surprise anyone else who knows me.... my fear of failure and knack for self sabotage. These go way back, and I really don't need to elaborate, because I think they're common enough syndromes that most people know what I'm talking about. The point is that they're laid bare, and I think that adopting an attitude of humility is going to help me over this hump.

Let me explain. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone that I was starting on a writing project, least of all tell them what it's about. This would be because I would fully expect to drop the project halfway through (as I so often do) and expect it to suck shit when it was done. When you tell someone you're going to do something and then it all turns to dung, you lose face..... it becomes an issue of injured pride. I never wanted to be the one who doesn't follow through.

But let's face it. I don't follow through. I suck at following through. And it recently occurred to me that I'm really not all that good at writing, either. I'm a grammatical outlaw, if you will, and I hate chapters and plots and outlines. Also, I'm terrible at calling people back. And I'm a terrible housekeeper. That's mostly because I'm lazy.

I'm not trying to degrade myself or 'fish for compliments' as so many do, only to face the fact that I never want anyone to find out what I suck at, and that is a matter of pride, and lately I think (call me crazy) that it wouldn't be so bad for my pride to be injured. Why does it matter if someone knows I'm not good at stuff? Who even cares?

I've realized lately that I'm so good at convincing myself I'm going to fail at something, that I never try anything at all. I want to be very aware of that from now on. I want to change. I'm not sure how, but I'm keeping it in mind.

That said, "Letters to Earth" has been started. Just thought I'd let you all know.