ohm

Meditation is a new thing for me. I've been trying to make a discipline of it, which is not easy for me. I'm mostly disciplined at the things I HAVE to do, and everything else is sort of touch and go. I'm great at getting to work and feeding the dog.... less great at cooking dinner and emptying the dehumidifier. And while I can usually find some time in the evening to meditate, I think that an ideal time would be in the morning, but lets face it, mornings are my nemesis. Even when I do find time in the morning, it's almost impossible not to fall asleep where I sit.

One night when I was having trouble falling asleep, I started meditating as I lay in bed, thinking it would be an excellent way to doze off. As I did, I jolted awake to the sound of a woman's sob. It was as though there was someone in the room. I told myself that it was a dream, but it was still unsettling. I haven't done it again. I'll fall asleep the old fashioned way.

As for my evening forays, I've found that it's getting easier for me to calm my brain down, and it takes less time to get clear. It's been a pleasant exercise overall, and usually I use it to move into a little bit of prayer.

My experience with prayer over the course of my life has been very frustrating, mainly because of my inability to focus on any one thing for more than 5 seconds, so this new experience of praying out of a state of mental clarity is a refreshing and pleasing sensation.

My prayer is simple these days. "Reveal Yourself"

Well, I can't really describe what's going on with me. I'm just not concerned.... it dissipated.

I think that the universal need that humans have to worship something bigger than themselves points to the actual existence of that very thing. Our need for God is evidence of the existence of God. In the same way, my need for a God that cares is itself evidence that God does indeed care.

Now. I understand that the terms "God" and "Care" are incredibly subjective, and more and more I'm learning the difficulty of communicating with words that hardly hold meaning anymore. I understand about looking into myself, but I very strongly believe that while God may be inside me, around me, above and below me, He is also bigger and separate at the same time that He is unified..... He, She, It, whatever......

Let's face it. Everyone comes up with an explanation that makes sense to them, something that describes their experience of God. My experience of God is that sometimes it seems like He doesn't care, but sometimes it seems like He does, and whether it seems He does or doesn't is extremely circumstantial, which merely points to the subjective, finite, and unreliable nature of my "attempt" at understanding.

What this all boils down to is this....... while I will naturally (unavoidably) continue to expand my understanding of God, I have to have an experiential relationship with.... It. Otherwise, I will always be living someone else's relationship, and that will always bring me full circle to a place of confusion and uncertainty.

All that is to say, I really have no idea what I'm talking about or whether I'm communicating sufficiently. But I'm not upset, and I'm trying to learn, and relax, and allow God to reveal Himself in His own way and His own time.

So there.