WHAT A WEEK!!

I've gotta say, I am so tired of being in a hurry all the time. The few hours of relaxing when I get home don't seem to make up for the ten hours of panic at work. I try meditating, but the dogs make that very difficult. They, after all, have been sleeping all day, and when I get home they want to play. I can't blame them. By the time they've settled down, I can' close my eyes without nodding off.

Probably the most frustrating part about it is that I don't have the exclusive use of my brain. I have to share it with customers and orders and coordinating the activities of all the monkeys we just hired. Just one day of chiselling drops, or sanding posts, that would be marvelous. Lately my fantasies are of being a finish carpenter. Just me and my tools and a radio, alone in houses, doing the meticulous work that no one seems to want to do. After christmas I will start pursuing that goal. The possibilities in that field are much better, while at my current position, well I've run full on into that dead end. Sure, I've probably got another raise coming, but really, who cares?

So, matters of spirituality have been far from my mind. The question of prayer is still hovering around me. I'm prayer-shy, if you will, like a horse that won't walk too close to a puddle. It makes me skittish. I'm not sure why, exactly. Probably because I expect disappointment. I think that prayer, the thing that I do when I'm communicating with God, that's one thing, but there's that other kind of prayer. Like the kind when you pray that God will protect you, and you are promptly mugged. The kind of prayer that can be rejected, or turned down. These are the prayers I can't bring myself to pray. I realize that in the last while I've adopted something of a fatalist attitude. After all, if someone's going to mug me, they're going to mug me. God can't change their mind, can He?

I don't know. It's a very sensitive subject. I feel like my emotionals are all wrapped up in it. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

i am a stalker

Most of you don't know this about me, but I have an obsessive streak in me, and it usually targets individuals. These days it's natalie portman. Her and I are friends, she just doesn't know it yet. The same is the case with Ani Difranco, and she would know if only she had been able to hear me at her concert, "I'm right here, Ani, let's do coffee after the show."

As I've said previously, I don't get tv these days, so only today did I get a glimpse of the gansta rapping short video from saturday night live, starring my good friend natalie. If you didn't already see this on tv with the rest of the world, check it out. I found it very amusing.

Natalie Portman on SNL

just a phase

To be perfectly honest, I just haven't felt like posting lately. I've been exhausted, and all I want to do is watch movies. Work has been crazy. The insanity begins the moment I walk in the door and I'm running for ten hours with precious little reprieve. By the time the dogs and I get home from the park I'm pretty much wiped. I haven't been thinking about much aside from what on earth I'm gonna pack for tomorrow's lunch and where did my Garden State DVD go?

I've been losing myself in fantasies of what my life COULD be like, if only I could fastrack all the parts that cost money and take time. What if I woke up tomorrow morning and I was a finish carpenter? What if that brilliant idea I've been waiting for comes to me in a dream and I finally write the book that I've been mulling over for a good 10 years?

This is not a productive thought life, but I find I do this whenever I get too tired. I escape to my "slightly optimistic" place and bury myself in hopes and dreams. I know that Buddha would not recomment this behaviour. But I can't help it. I need a holiday I guess.

I'm trying to chug through my reading list but I don't seem to be making much headway. "Stranger in a Strange Place" is definitely a strange book. Thought provoking to be sure, and casts a very revealing light on "The Lost Teachings of Atlantis" so I guess it's good that I'm reading them together. Actually I think that the author of "atlantis" is just trying to start his own religion. I would place it alongside Eckankar, which (initial impression) seems to be one more conglomeration of borrowed belief hybrid religions. One's as good as the next I suppose. When I figure out what my worldview is, I'll make a religion out of it. Then there will be one more tailor made doctrine just for you, if the atlantis cults aren't to your liking, you love gnostic ideas but don't understand gnostic terminology, and you love the mythology of middle earth.

All I really want to do is sleep. So I'm gonna go do that. Talk to you later.