i hate thinking of a title

The thing about no longer having TV is that you don't find out about stuff. Important things like new movies, new pop stars, new reality tv shows.... and less important stuff, like elections, ecological disasters, wars, and evangelical upsets.

I mean, I finally get back online, and I'm reading about Ted Haggard. I'm thinking to myself, who the hell is ted haggard? Everyone else in the world knows what's going on with ted haggard but of course I have to run a google search because I just spent a week in a zero media black hole (not bad actually.... even peaceful).

Not too long ago this ted haggard business would have been quite upsetting to me, and I can understand why the humans involved are distressed but I wonder why this sort of thing surprises anyone anymore. Guess what everyone.... humans fuck up.... all the time, every one of us. It seems so contrary to me, the loving and forgiving example of Jesus and the knee-jerk reactions of His church. I have a lot of trouble reconciling the two, and I've concluded that the more common sin, the one we're all desensitized to, is the love of judgement, and everyone falls down every day. But who's to say which is worse, drugs and gay sex, or turning your back on the people who do drugs and have gay sex. For me, the gap is lessening. I was told a long time ago that Jesus' kingdom is an upside-down kingdom, and that tells me that the knee-jerk reaction is probably not the correct one.

Not too long ago, a friend of mine who was in a pastoral position confessed to sexual immorality and was promptly dropped on his head. It's a tragedy, really. Because out of all the humans in leadership in that prominent church, he's still the only one I respect. Not because he has all the answers or because he occupies holy ground but because he tells me the truth. Telling the truth is what lost him his job. It makes no sense.

It's strange to contemplate the situation from the fringes of faith. On the one hand I'm horrified by the...... wrongness??.... of it all, and on the other hand I'd be perfectly happy to see the whole structure come crashing down.

I hope that mr. haggard can work things out in his personal life, with his family, and that the people close to him will be supportive and selfless in their dealings with. I hope he doesn't find himself in Job's position, losing his kids and getting kicked by his friends. I hope that it's not too much to hope for.

crash

so.... my computer died last weekend, and only yesterday did I get 'er up and running again.... and now I'm hooked on Final Fantasy X-2 so at this moment I have nothing to say.... I just wanted to break the silence. I'll be back later.

dream

I was at a club. That's how I knew it was a dream.

I was leaving with a friend. she had decided to catch a ride home with a complete stranger, a guy with icy cold eyes. I found her in his van, waiting for me. When she explained to me that we were catching a ride home with him, I responded, "hell, no!" I explained that it was not safe to go for a ride in a strange man's car. Secondly, I had a car, so we didn't need a ride in the first place.

Of course she realized that I was right (people usually do ;) and got out of the van, but the dude was pissed off. As I was passing him in front of the van, his icy eyes smiled and then he threw me into the street. As I rolled to a stop in the middle of the empty street, I thought that he would be satisfied and leave. There were, after all, humans on the sidewalk watching.

He didn't care. He came over and picked my (with seeming super human strength) and threw me again. The pedestrians were pretending that they didn't see. My friend and I ran to my car, jumped in, and locked the doors, but with a good tug he could open the door anyways. I would pull it closed and lock it, and he would simply pull it open again. with one hand I fought with the door, and with the other I dug my cell out of my pocket and dialed 911. I told the operator that a man was attacking me and I needed someone to come and arrest him.

The operator explained to me that having a man arrested would leave a bad mark on my record (what?) and since I was only 17, why would I want to sully my good name so young? I explained to her that when I was dead, my record wouldn't mean shit, and also that I was not 17. As I'm arguing with her, I've got the dude pulling on my legs while I hold on to the car with one hand and hold my cell with the other.

I woke up before this craziness resolved itself. It was 4 am, but I felt wide awake. The dream hadn't frightened me, but it had that quality that sets it apart from all the meaningless pizza dreams. I laid in bed and thought about it. It's true that I did watch The Matrix: Revolutions last night, and I did have a beer. But the dream wasn't just mindless violence, there was a sinister pattern of not being protected by the things that should be counted on.

I tend to believe that dreams are a reflection of your subconscious more than anything, inspecting them is a good way to figure out where your head is at. The other thing is that I just took a homeopathic remedy and I'm supposed take note of any dreams I remember.

So this morning I'm thinking about life up until now, and all the times that those who should have been protecting me did a shitty job of it. Not because I want to get riled up, and not because I'm angry, but just because I woke up thinking about it, and I think it might be important. It seems to happen a lot, not just to me, but to many people, and it's a tragedy, because it fosters that "all by myself and I will kick your ass if you touch me" kind of independence, the sort of independence that I have been subscribing to for as long as I can remember.

When my dad came through town last week, I told him about the homeopathic stuff, how my first appointment was mostly spent discussing childhood trauma. He asked if I was very traumatized as a child, and I said yes, maybe not more than a lot of kids, but enough. And then in a rare display of confrontational sensitivity, he apologized to me for not being around.

"it's okay dad, I'm not angry. and it wasn't just you."

It was so many things. It was mom, and friends, and church. Maybe even God. Time after time life bashed me over the head and pushed me further into myself, and all the people who could have been there for me simply weren't. My experience is not unique, but it is worth considering.

So what now? I don't know. I just woke up.