Sunday, November 05, 2006
dream
I was at a club. That's how I knew it was a dream.
I was leaving with a friend. she had decided to catch a ride home with a complete stranger, a guy with icy cold eyes. I found her in his van, waiting for me. When she explained to me that we were catching a ride home with him, I responded, "hell, no!" I explained that it was not safe to go for a ride in a strange man's car. Secondly, I had a car, so we didn't need a ride in the first place.
Of course she realized that I was right (people usually do ;) and got out of the van, but the dude was pissed off. As I was passing him in front of the van, his icy eyes smiled and then he threw me into the street. As I rolled to a stop in the middle of the empty street, I thought that he would be satisfied and leave. There were, after all, humans on the sidewalk watching.
He didn't care. He came over and picked my (with seeming super human strength) and threw me again. The pedestrians were pretending that they didn't see. My friend and I ran to my car, jumped in, and locked the doors, but with a good tug he could open the door anyways. I would pull it closed and lock it, and he would simply pull it open again. with one hand I fought with the door, and with the other I dug my cell out of my pocket and dialed 911. I told the operator that a man was attacking me and I needed someone to come and arrest him.
The operator explained to me that having a man arrested would leave a bad mark on my record (what?) and since I was only 17, why would I want to sully my good name so young? I explained to her that when I was dead, my record wouldn't mean shit, and also that I was not 17. As I'm arguing with her, I've got the dude pulling on my legs while I hold on to the car with one hand and hold my cell with the other.
I woke up before this craziness resolved itself. It was 4 am, but I felt wide awake. The dream hadn't frightened me, but it had that quality that sets it apart from all the meaningless pizza dreams. I laid in bed and thought about it. It's true that I did watch The Matrix: Revolutions last night, and I did have a beer. But the dream wasn't just mindless violence, there was a sinister pattern of not being protected by the things that should be counted on.
I tend to believe that dreams are a reflection of your subconscious more than anything, inspecting them is a good way to figure out where your head is at. The other thing is that I just took a homeopathic remedy and I'm supposed take note of any dreams I remember.
So this morning I'm thinking about life up until now, and all the times that those who should have been protecting me did a shitty job of it. Not because I want to get riled up, and not because I'm angry, but just because I woke up thinking about it, and I think it might be important. It seems to happen a lot, not just to me, but to many people, and it's a tragedy, because it fosters that "all by myself and I will kick your ass if you touch me" kind of independence, the sort of independence that I have been subscribing to for as long as I can remember.
When my dad came through town last week, I told him about the homeopathic stuff, how my first appointment was mostly spent discussing childhood trauma. He asked if I was very traumatized as a child, and I said yes, maybe not more than a lot of kids, but enough. And then in a rare display of confrontational sensitivity, he apologized to me for not being around.
"it's okay dad, I'm not angry. and it wasn't just you."
It was so many things. It was mom, and friends, and church. Maybe even God. Time after time life bashed me over the head and pushed me further into myself, and all the people who could have been there for me simply weren't. My experience is not unique, but it is worth considering.
So what now? I don't know. I just woke up.
I was leaving with a friend. she had decided to catch a ride home with a complete stranger, a guy with icy cold eyes. I found her in his van, waiting for me. When she explained to me that we were catching a ride home with him, I responded, "hell, no!" I explained that it was not safe to go for a ride in a strange man's car. Secondly, I had a car, so we didn't need a ride in the first place.
Of course she realized that I was right (people usually do ;) and got out of the van, but the dude was pissed off. As I was passing him in front of the van, his icy eyes smiled and then he threw me into the street. As I rolled to a stop in the middle of the empty street, I thought that he would be satisfied and leave. There were, after all, humans on the sidewalk watching.
He didn't care. He came over and picked my (with seeming super human strength) and threw me again. The pedestrians were pretending that they didn't see. My friend and I ran to my car, jumped in, and locked the doors, but with a good tug he could open the door anyways. I would pull it closed and lock it, and he would simply pull it open again. with one hand I fought with the door, and with the other I dug my cell out of my pocket and dialed 911. I told the operator that a man was attacking me and I needed someone to come and arrest him.
The operator explained to me that having a man arrested would leave a bad mark on my record (what?) and since I was only 17, why would I want to sully my good name so young? I explained to her that when I was dead, my record wouldn't mean shit, and also that I was not 17. As I'm arguing with her, I've got the dude pulling on my legs while I hold on to the car with one hand and hold my cell with the other.
I woke up before this craziness resolved itself. It was 4 am, but I felt wide awake. The dream hadn't frightened me, but it had that quality that sets it apart from all the meaningless pizza dreams. I laid in bed and thought about it. It's true that I did watch The Matrix: Revolutions last night, and I did have a beer. But the dream wasn't just mindless violence, there was a sinister pattern of not being protected by the things that should be counted on.
I tend to believe that dreams are a reflection of your subconscious more than anything, inspecting them is a good way to figure out where your head is at. The other thing is that I just took a homeopathic remedy and I'm supposed take note of any dreams I remember.
So this morning I'm thinking about life up until now, and all the times that those who should have been protecting me did a shitty job of it. Not because I want to get riled up, and not because I'm angry, but just because I woke up thinking about it, and I think it might be important. It seems to happen a lot, not just to me, but to many people, and it's a tragedy, because it fosters that "all by myself and I will kick your ass if you touch me" kind of independence, the sort of independence that I have been subscribing to for as long as I can remember.
When my dad came through town last week, I told him about the homeopathic stuff, how my first appointment was mostly spent discussing childhood trauma. He asked if I was very traumatized as a child, and I said yes, maybe not more than a lot of kids, but enough. And then in a rare display of confrontational sensitivity, he apologized to me for not being around.
"it's okay dad, I'm not angry. and it wasn't just you."
It was so many things. It was mom, and friends, and church. Maybe even God. Time after time life bashed me over the head and pushed me further into myself, and all the people who could have been there for me simply weren't. My experience is not unique, but it is worth considering.
So what now? I don't know. I just woke up.
posted by ursa smaller at 8:42 AM |
2 Comments:
I remember sitting down with my dad about 5 years before he past and telling him that growing up and even then at that time when I was 44 years old that I had hated him for leaving us (my mom and me) when I was young (13) I rememberhow he sat there and listened as I pouured my heart out to him. As I did he began to cry and through his tears he said, "son I am sorry, I through away you and your mother and there is nothing now these years later that I can do about it. I was wrong! WOW! at that time love overwhelmed me and I told him ALL was well and that he was the father I always wanted and that even though he was not there most of the time while I was growing up he alone was the father I desired and NO ONE could ever mean to me what he did! We had a great relationship for the remaining 5 years of his life and when he pasted he and I were at peace!
Geo
I hear ya, sis. I guess it's important to remember that none of us will ever measure up to each other's expectations. We go through life doing the best we can with what we know. And once in a while, someone comes along who impacts our thinking, and shifts our path into a new direction. The problem is, those occurances are out of our control. We can only wait and hope, and love others because we know we are loved... truly.
You are such a special young woman. My life is better for knowing you. You crossed my path, and altered my direction. See... it happens all the time, and most of the time, we never know it. Well, you now you know.
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