Wednesday, October 17, 2007
At Long Last
It's hard to say for sure. I'm forcing myself to sit down and write, because I feel that I need to, yet I'm not sure if I have anything to say. I took a holiday, as I said before, from just about everything, and that largely included thinking about much of anything.
As is apparent from a few posts down, my family has gone through something of a crisis, which has inspired for me a strange sort of liberation. I guess, for the first time in a long time, I'm angry. In a good way. One of the guys at work told me that if I'm not angry, I'm not paying attention. That may very well be true. This year has been all about waking up on the inside, and now the beast is truly awake, and I am experiencing a healthy shot of rage.
In the beginning, you see, I was numb, I was logical. I was the eldest daughter, the epitomy of calm and collected, mildly pissed but otherwise in control. And then there was....... and then came the..... and finally I allowed myself to confront the..... And then was the vortex of rage, and I spiralled down and down for about a week, and then I was calm again.
Calm and angry, a far more lethal version of the more volatile Berserker Rage ....
I have found a couple of things. Anger is a fantastic catalyst for all sorts of things. Exercise, for example. Coming out of the heretical closet with my parents is another wonderful by-product (I'm sure we'll here more on this eventually) And finally, inventing stories in one's head. Stories that end with punching and kicking, and resolving and closure. I think the reason I've been having trouble writing stuff down is that I always do so intending to someday publish it, and doing so would mean that my family would read it. I was always afraid to hurt their feelings, to let them know what I was really feeling. But I also knew that if I wasn't completely honest and raw in my writing, that it would hold no value. So I censored my thoughts, and then I didn't want to write them down anymore.
But I've stopped worrying about all that. I can't very well spend my whole life projecting the image of well adjusted, cool and calm, just so they never find out how much they've hurt me. What would be so bad about that? Really? This is my life, and my future, and my dream. If anyone has a problem with that, they can bloody well fuck off! I'm through being everybody's heavy bag. You wanna oppress me?? Step on up.
So yeah, I'm a little angry. But I've also lost weight, gained muscle, told my parents how I really feel about the bible, and made up a story in my head. Also, I found a comic book character who looks and behaves exactly like I always imagined myself, if I was a cartoon character with a ray gun about 200 years in the future..... Now that I think of it, perhaps I'll use her for my avatar.
I feel good now. It's good to be back. It's good to regurgitate, to see all my thoughts splayed out in front of me, roasting in gastric juices and smelling to high heaven of narcissism. Starting on Saturday, I'm doing a few a weeks of no TV. Hopefully, I can take that time to get all angsty and flesh out a storyline, or at least, inundate this blog with lots of pretension.
I think I'll have to go through my links and figure out who's still out there. I think I may wipe them all out and just start from scratch. If you're still out there, lemme know. I'm suddenly craving community.