new project

I've been mulling it over for a while, and this weekend I started working a new writing project. It's a completely new idea for me, very unstructured and somewhat therapeutic. I've committed to not rushing or forcing it, and I've found that lately I really want to work on it. I keep opening the file and wanting to do something with it, but I've told myself to wait. Instead of writing drivel just for the sake of writing it, I want to let the topics crystallize in my mind, and then jot them down as quickly as possible. Forcing myself to wait is good reverse psychology for me, because I have always felt internal pressure to make myself write. I'm finding that my previous aversion to writing has turned into eagerness.

Also, a fair bit of self examination has exposed what didn't really surprise me, and probably doesn't surprise anyone else who knows me.... my fear of failure and knack for self sabotage. These go way back, and I really don't need to elaborate, because I think they're common enough syndromes that most people know what I'm talking about. The point is that they're laid bare, and I think that adopting an attitude of humility is going to help me over this hump.

Let me explain. Normally I wouldn't tell anyone that I was starting on a writing project, least of all tell them what it's about. This would be because I would fully expect to drop the project halfway through (as I so often do) and expect it to suck shit when it was done. When you tell someone you're going to do something and then it all turns to dung, you lose face..... it becomes an issue of injured pride. I never wanted to be the one who doesn't follow through.

But let's face it. I don't follow through. I suck at following through. And it recently occurred to me that I'm really not all that good at writing, either. I'm a grammatical outlaw, if you will, and I hate chapters and plots and outlines. Also, I'm terrible at calling people back. And I'm a terrible housekeeper. That's mostly because I'm lazy.

I'm not trying to degrade myself or 'fish for compliments' as so many do, only to face the fact that I never want anyone to find out what I suck at, and that is a matter of pride, and lately I think (call me crazy) that it wouldn't be so bad for my pride to be injured. Why does it matter if someone knows I'm not good at stuff? Who even cares?

I've realized lately that I'm so good at convincing myself I'm going to fail at something, that I never try anything at all. I want to be very aware of that from now on. I want to change. I'm not sure how, but I'm keeping it in mind.

That said, "Letters to Earth" has been started. Just thought I'd let you all know.