Sunday, August 27, 2006
The space in between
I'm supposed to be home right now, but I'm in my stepdad's office. This is because on friday night, my grandfather died, and it makes no sense to go home right before the funeral.
My grandpa is currently the proud owner of at least a few answers to questions that have been burning in brain, and I feel a tinge of jealousy, and even a touch of annoyance. You see, we haven't been close in years. All my memories of him are from my childhood, and he's been distant the rest of the time, sick for the last while. I said my goodbye on my last visit, and quite frankly I'm surprised he lasted this long.
Grandpa was a cop, with a big round bump on his forehead, his eyebrows permanently raised, and always with coarse stubble on his cheeks. Before he got sick, he wanted to get married to the lady with the bad reputation, which all his children opposed and most of his grandchildren were indifferent to. Over the last few years, I think, he distanced himself from all of us, but he didn't need to.
I hope he knows that I love him, even though he picked an inconvenient day to die, and that everyone else also loves him, even though they told him what to do and treated him like a child, and I hope that whatever the afterlife holds is to his liking. I hope that it's just how he always hoped. I hope he doesn't take it personally that I don't feel sad, and if he returns to this life I hope he gets to come as a spoiled bichon frise, so he can be excited and affectionate and pretty.
So my holiday is over but not really, and I've moved my campsite to my parent's backyard, and every morning abu escapes and stands beside my car waiting expectantly to go home. Tomorrow I will call my workplace and face the wrath of my employers, possibly, and possibly understanding will answer the phone. It's impossible to predict.
I will, in the next couple days, attempt to articulate some of the stuff that entered my head this week, whilst returning to the bosom of the forest I love so dearly. I think I'm very close to achieving some degree of clarity, though the circumstances of late make it hard to concentrate.