on following jesus

I had lunch with some church friends last sunday. Of all the churches I've been to, I find the Vineyard churches among the most open and least dogmatic, which is why I attend one here in regina. But let's face it, I no longer fit into any christian community that I can think of. Wherever that theology exists, I am an outsider with weird ideas. I consider myself fortunate to have the friends that I have, christian friends with whom it is safe to discuss my ideas and who have some weird ideas of their own. Some of them are in my church, though not many. And don't get me wrong, I love the people in my church, all the ones I've had the opportunity to get to know. But the gulf between us is widening, and I sense myself caring less and less.

Anyways, we had lunch. And I made the mistake of opening my big mouth, but like I say, lately I just don't care, and anyways..... she asked.

That is, I mentioned that I would be going to manitoba to visit family, and that my brother in law was looking forward to setting me straight on my heresy, and she said she was really interested in hearing what heresy I'd been spinning, and she seemed truly intrigued, and though my intuition told me this would not go over well, I was too deep in it to just shut her down and keep my secret, and part of me hoped.... I always hope, that someone else feels the same as me. Maybe if I just say what I'm thinking, I can find those who are also..... thinking.

So I said "I don't believe in hell" and then explained why, and I said "I don't believe that the bible is the infallible word of God" and then explained why, and then I said that I found taoism interesting, and that I believed that God's truth could be found in all sorts of places, not just christianity, and that there were revelations of God in places other than the bible.

She leaned forward and said with all earnesty, "So you're not following Jesus then?"

At this point I laughed.... thinking she was joking.... but she remained serious, and didn't get the joke, and my brain just froze up. I mean, from my position, the question and her seriousness seemed completely preposterous, but to her in was totally sincere. It seemed like such a seven year old sunday school thing to say, but she's gotta be mid forties. How does someone that old not move beyond.... that?

I mean, how are YOU following Jesus? Are you raising the dead and walking on water, and pulling quarters out of fishes mouths?? More relevantly, are you dedicating your life to the sick and poor, and speaking with authority and wisdom on issues that are currently important, in ways that bring new perspective, and are you laying down your life for people who hate you?

Then what do you mean by saying that I'M not following Jesus? Did I not just say that I valued His teachings? Did I imply somehow that I've converted to islam? Is there something that you're doing to follow Jesus that I'm not?

I mean, what the hell kind of question is that anyways? What does following Jesus even mean? What does "follow" mean, and who is Jesus exactly? Do you ever ask any questions at all?

I think most of the people who make up christian congregations are those who don't question, or who only question the "safe" issues, which are really irrelevant issues, like what did paul mean when he said this and this, when the question you should be asking is, who is paul that we should place him on a pedestal and believe every word he writes?

I love this woman, she's my friend, but for that day her attitude bothered me quite a bit, until I settled down and realized it wasn't her, or maybe it was, but not just her. She's a member of a large herd, and they've been trained this way, indoctrinated.

I was watching "The Island" last night, which is a really good movie, in my opinion. It follows two clones in a large underground facility which raises and keeps clones as insurance policies for rich people who might want to withdraw organs according to need. The clones are taught to accept the reality with which they're presented, until one "batch" developes the inclination to question. For one clone, the questioning escalates until he finds himself running for his life and escapes the underground. He walks out under the sky and looks out over the vast landscape, and in that moment I know exactly how he feels.

In the movies, you can go back and destroy the facility and lead the others out into the sun, but in real life no one wants to go. I think that's what truly bothers me. You can't rescue those who don't want to be rescued, and lets face it.... they're happy there. Who am I to mess with their paradigm. In real life, you escape alone and you move on.

Reality can be a real pill sometimes, nevertheless, I prefer the freedom.