grown up

"This melancholy that I carry makes me feel so grown-up
At the kitchen table doing shots of resignation
I never thought I'd see the day when I would say 'I give up'
And break the stallions of my wildest expectations"

Ani Difranco

This how I feel these last couple of days. As though adulthood has sucked all the color and excitement out of life. As though being responsible somehow excludes me from adventure. My routine, though completely doable, and despite the way it helps me to manage my life, is lulling me into a state of comatose.

Only the boring are bored. Life is what you make it. I have been living life inside my head, in order to cope with my boredom. Maybe this is why I have been spending so much time contemplating matters of spirituality. I think it's important to think about these things, but I think I have been unbalanced. Talking about God is different than talking with God. I can theorize all day but the fact of the matter is that I'll never get it figured out, and even if I do, it won't be enough. Information is different than relationship. I know a hell of a lot about Ani, but she probably won't take my calls.

I had dinner with my Dad today. He gets wiser with age, and we have learned to talk to each other about things that matter. He is the one who expects me to change the world. He speaks life to me every time we get together. It's so strange, because our relationship now is the opposite of what it used to be. So I'm always pleasantly surprised to find that I come away from our talks feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, and centered and inspired. Between him and a very special friend, I am finding the motivation to claw myself out of this rut and start moving my life outside of my head.

I don't know how, but I haven't much to lose. Currently compiling ideas. Feel free to contribute.