too much information

Tonight I feel like saying something, but I'm not sure what. It's 1:22 am, and I should be in bed. That is, if I intend to go to church in the morning..... and I'm not sure that I do. For whatever reason, I'm reluctant to call it a night. I feel compelled to type.

I've been working on a rather extended meditative exercise for a few days now. Generally, I have trouble with making myself meditate, despite the definite benefits. In this case, I'm trying to read a book, but I'm not allowed to read ahead until I've completed the exercise, so says the author, and because I find the subject matter particularly interesting this far, I've decided to comply. The book, by the way, is the one about ninjas, in case you're curious.

I think, however, that this exercise probably shows up in a number of self-helpy places, or at least some variation of it. It involves imagining times in your life, taking note of the various feelings and impressions, and then seeing how they affect you in your current state. For example, I imagine my parents finding out they were pregnant with me, what they were feeling, and how those feelings affected me in my fetus state. I know it sounds kinda weird, but bear with me.

I've always been of the opinion that it's a bad idea to dredge up stuff from the past when you're not prepared to deal with it, and I recognize that this exercise is probably a wonderful opportunity to do just that. But in reading the preamble in the chapter I was reminded of a day many years ago. Back when I was an evangelistic fundie hell bent on saving the planet from fire and brimstone, back when I consorted with prophets and teachers and word of knowledge types ( I still do, in some regards, but they're somehow.... different.... as in, normal, if you know what I mean). Waaaaaaay back when we made a daily habit of laying our hands all over the place, speaking words of wisdom and yabbering away in heavenly languages (Shabakada keeeeeeeyo korabakada.....) praise Gaaad..... Okay now I'm making fun...... I can't help it.

Not that there's anything wrong with that (of course not) I have lots of friends who pray like that ( so do I, it's a personal choice) It's just not a lifestyle I've chosen (and that's totally your prerogative) okay I'm slipping into a little bit of seinfeld..... that's how you know it's late for me....

Anyway, back in those days, my good friends the prophets told me on a number of occasions that they felt there was something going on with me that had it's origin in the womb, issues that had arisen in my life that I had no control over nor knowledge of, and that God would deal with it, when I was ready. But of course, they could not elaborate. And while I make fun, because I simply can't help it, the truth of the matter is that these are people who I respect, and I believe that God speaks through people. I recognize that they could be on crack, but I do not eliminate the possibility that they were dead on, so I took note of their words and moved on with my life, believing, as I said before, that dredging it up before it's time was ill advised, but feeling certain that clarity would come eventually.

The point is (Lord, help me make a point) that I have been gaining insight these past few days into a lot of my attitudes, mindsets, constructs if you will, which I believe had their start during that very sensitive, vulnerable prebirth time. I am starting to see a definite cause and effect pattern which began with the complicated emotions of my parents relationship and ended with the human who wrote the words which you are currently reading. And while I'm not sure I see a definite solution to these things, it has been a fascinating journey.

For example, imagining the emotions of my parents as my mother went into contractions. I'm supposed to isolate my father's feelings, but I can't. I think of him and I can't sense anything. I can't even make anything up. And then I remember that my dad was a long distance truck driver, and I'm not certain, but I don't think he was even there when I was born. And then I think of my mom, and the mixed feelings she must have had, and then I think of how her emotions must have affected me, and combine those with my initial emotions, and I begin to see the circumstances under which I came into the world, and then I understand the undercurrents which have affected me my whole life, which have affected my capacity to develop relationships and influenced my willingness to engage with life.

I begin to see how I knew even before I was born that the world is a cold, hard place, a place where protection is necessary, and I understand my reluctance to become a part of it. I understand why I've been so naturally independent, even from infancy, and yet so desperate for my father's approval. I understand the underlying need for his presence . I begin to understand how the tendency to sabotage my own success began with the feeling that I was coming into the world as a complication (albeit loved and wanted) into an already complicated relationship, and the desire not to be an inconvenience.

As I say, it has been fascinating. And I am only about halfway through. I'm not sure where it's all leading but in the name of self-examination, it has been very enlightening.

I'm not sure exactly how all this can be of interest to you, but this is after all a personal blog, so I'm entitled to regurgitate my personal..... stuff. Also, I think that there's good in all this, that God is using it in some way to help me overcome some of those aforementioned "self created problems" and doing so at a time when I am able to "handle it." After all, there were times in my life when reflecting on the circumstances of my birth would have led me to conclude that I was unwanted and thrown me into a suicidal frame of mind..... but that time is not now. I feel like I am observing these things in the same way that I observe the color of the walls.

I don't particularly like this particular shade of..... purple, is it?.... but it can be easily remedied with a few gallons of pink paint. Which of course will require a change of carpet.... which will lead to removing the wood veneer siding, which will lead to patching a few inevitable holes..... all of which I cannot do, because I rent this house, and why would I put all that work into a rented house?

But you get the picture.

I'm feeling very unfocused and Abu's giving me the look.... which means I must go to bed. She is, after all, the Alpha. Goodnight.